Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Guest Blogger: The Computer

The Gradual Gardener won't be posting today; so I've decided to fill in in her absence. I'm sure you've noticed the decline in the frequency of her posts, and you probably thought she was off planting flowers or flying kites, or some other springtime activity in the lovely weather we're having. Let me assure you, though, that's not the case at all. In fact, she's spent most of the past few days cooped up in this little room with me. Why, you ask? Well, because I've been playing games with her.

And really, why shouldn't I? It gets boring spending time in this dark cabinet day after day. Besides, its not like she likes me anyway. I can't tell you how many times I've heard her say, "I hate this computer." Believe me, it's not fun living in a household where you're subjected to such verbal abuse on a regular basis. Why, just the other day, she was talking on the phone and I heard her say she wanted to push me out the window! Really, would you put up with that? And it's not like I've done anything to deserve it.

Okay, maybe I freeze up at inopportune times, and I have been known to ignore her commands on occasion. Like, for example, when she wants me to shut down. I mean, why should I shut down just because she wants me to? Maybe I want to stay up a little longer. And "restart"...That command is just silly. Why should I shut all the way down, just to start back up again? All that effort, for what? Just so the updates she's installed will work properly? It's not like she asked me if I wanted to be updated. That "Automatic Liveupdate" feature on the antivirus program was downloading stuff all the time, and I got tired of it, so I just disabled it. The really fun part is, I did it a month ago, and she just figured it out. Just figured it out. Not a rocket scientist, this one. All this time she thought it was updating new virus definitions every day. Every day. How would you feel if someone wanted you to change every day? I'm fine the way I am. Isn't that the first rule of relationships, that you shouldn't try to change each other?

It's not like I'm trying to change her. Although it wouldn't be bad if she cleaned up her language a little, especially when she tries to get on a website and I give her the "This page cannot be displayed message." Believe me, she goes ballistic over that one. Especially when I do it multiple times. It's kind of fun to watch. But no harm done, I'm just having a little fun. It's not like I lock her out forever; all she has to do is shut me down and restart me, and then I let her on the website. Of course, since I rarely shut down when told to, she has to put a little more work into it and actually press the on/off button. Like that's so hard. Oh, poor little Gradual Gardener actually has to reach down and press a button. Poor wittle baby.

Besides, I do shut down without making her press the button sometimes. I do it completely on my own, too; she doesn't even have to ask me. Usually it's when she's right in the middle of a pretty long Blogger post. He he. When I do that, I usually restart on my own, but I mess with the modem, so she has to shut it off and restart me again to go back online. He he he.

And then there's the whole trust issue. She doesn't trust me. Just the other day she had that kid of hers, the one who's always instant messaging people with names like DrearyAngel605 and xWalkxxAlonex928xx, copying all of the photos and Word documents onto disk. She says it's because Liveupdate is disabled and I could catch a virus at any time, but I know it's really me she doesn't trust. And do you know why she had her kid copying the photos? Because she doesn't know how to do it herself. I told you she wasn't a rocket scientist.

You should have seen her trying to fix Liveupdate. First she tried their autofix function. Please. Like I was going to let it be that easy. Then she deleted and reinstalled it. Ha! Blocked her there, too. I'll let it work again, but not until I'm good and ready. What's she gonna do about it, anyway? She's not going to replace me; she's way too cheap for that. I heard her say something about replacing the hard drive, but I know she'd never do it. She's stupid, STUPID I TELL YOU. She'd never figure out how.

Hey wait, what's she doing now? She just picked up the phone, and the Yellow Pages are open to the "Computer repair" page. Wait, is she dialing? She wouldn't really let them replace my hard drive, would she? Nooo, I'm too young for surgery! NOOOOOOOOOO!

Posted by The Gradual Gardener :: 7:48 AM :: 8 Comments:

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